victorious failure.

Addiction is a funny thing.

Just when you think you've beaten it, just when you think you've distance yourself just enough it comes back at a barreling and untameable force. I mean, I guess I should have known quitting cold turkey is not exactly normal. But, it seems great doesn't it? To just one day decide you're not going to do it and never do it again? It's all very appealing.

But it doesn't really work like that. It never has, and probably never will.

But this morning, after a week of total relapse, I got this sense that I was going to be ok. That maybe it'll take a while, and take a few falls, but I'm gonna get through this. I'm slowly learning to accept grace. If there was no grace, what Jesus am I following anyway? If there was no grace why would I even quit drinking in the first place? An unforgiving God is not the God I came to know and love. So I'm going to try and trust His grace. For some reason, it's hard. A set of rules seems easier than to forgive myself when I feel like a total irresponsible, unworthy, failure.

But, I'm going to get through this.

I have to. Sure, right now the very thought of never having another drink again in my whole life sents me into immediate panic. But, the thought of not having a drink today ain't so bad. I just have to think that everyday. And I'll fall. And I'll give in.

But, sometimes I'll fight it. And have victory.

Regardless of what happens I'm doing this with God, in this beautiful community.

I'm going to get through this.